Understanding Women 111

*Disclaimer: this is the first post (and probably only post) where Gary gets to have his opinion broadcast*

I know for sure that the one trait Gary (the fiance) envies the most is my ability to see all and know all without blinking an eye. I’m not sure if it’s a “woman” thing or if it’s just an inherent ability of being ultra observant.

Gary regularly asks me where this or that is, and 9.5 times out of 10, I know exactly where it is. Now usually when he asks if I’ve seen something, I reply asking if he’s looked for it…properly. “Oh yes! I’ve looked high and low!” is the response I’m often met with. Let me tell you a little secret guys and gals, when a man says he’s “looked” for something, it generally means he’s opened up the cupboard or drawer, stared at the contents willing the item he’s looking for to appear, and when it doesn’t, he closes the drawer or door and thinks that he’s looked adequately. He doesn’t believe that searching actually requires moving things out of the way. I suppose Gary has been spoiled with my GPS-like abilities…

Gary’s response:
Bullshit! The reason why a guy can never find what he’s looking for in a cupboard or drawer is because it was likely arranged by a woman. And therefore there is no system or logic to it at all. When a guy arranges a cupboard, he’ll do it in such a way that it makes sense so that at a glance he can tell if something’s there or not. Any other guy who looks in another man’s “man drawer” would instantly be at home and able to find what he’s looking for. So this whole business about men not being able to look properly is a fallacy.

My response:
Gary packed his own cupboard so he should bloody well be able to find his stuff. And even if he moans that our domestic puts his things away, the clothes are still in the piles he created. So there!

*Picture credit

Man vs Woman

I received this via email the other day about the differences between men and women. I just had to share it with you, you know, just for giggles.

NICKNAMES
· If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
· If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT
· When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
· When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
· A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
· A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS
· A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
· The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
· A woman has the last word in any argument.
· Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
· A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
· A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
· A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
· A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
· A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
· A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
· A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
· A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
· Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
· Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
· Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
· A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no point in two people remembering the same things!

*Picture credit

Giddy Up Cowboy

Remember the post where I asked whether I should or shouldn’t attend a school friend’s bachelorette party?! Well I decided to RSVP yes! Firstly it was a great excuse for a party, but also because I knew it would be wonderful to celebrate this memorable event in her life.

The party took place this past Saturday and the invitation said to dress up with a cowboy hat and some cowboy accessories. Now usually I am so super organised that I would have had the gift and outfit selected a week or so before the party. This time, however I was not so organised… Wednesday I went to my nearest costume hire shop and found a black stetson and a gun and holster. And Saturday morning (the morning of the party) I scoured the entirety of Sandton in search of the perfect gift (which ended up being not so *perfect).

The afternoon arrived quickly and I wrapped her gift before getting ready. First it was the make-up and fixing my hair, then it was deciding on what to wear. Thankfully Gary came to my rescue and suggested this and that to ensure I was a “smokin cowgirl”!

I arrived at the party and after greeting everyone, was dragged into the kitchen by one of my good friends to look at the cake. How innovative and funny?!

The rest of the afternoon was spent sipping champagne, chatting with friends, and indulging my sweet tooth (though unfortunately my corset prevented me from eating a lot which was obviously an oversight in wardrobe choice). Then it was time for the bride-to-be to open her pressies, but with a catch… Her fiancé was asked a range of questions by one of the bridesmaids, and the bride-to-be needed to answer two of these correctly in order to open a pressie.

The excitement began when she was sent off to get dressed for the evening’s activities. We all traipsed up the stairs to see the final product – black tights, super short denim shorts (she’s quite conservative so this was out of her comfort zone), boots, a black top with a checked top over tied at the waist, a pink feather boa, a pink fluffy stetson, and a two-gun holster. She looked wonderful – cute without the sleaze.

And then it was off to Sunninghill for some pole dancing lessons!

Now although I may have a dirty mind and a naughty sense of humour, I am quite reserved. So pole dancing was waaaay out of my comfort zone! Luckily I was tipsy on champagne and full of dutch courage, so I let myself go and enjoyed the moment. We were taught a short routine in manageable bits and luckily my co-ordination (sometimes lack thereof) didn’t embarrass me. I’m sure Gary is a bit irritated that we don’t have a pole in the bedroom so I could show him all the moves I learnt…

I was given a couple vouchers for a free lesson, and even though I have muscles hurting that I didn’t know I had, I’m hoping to use them soon. Anyone want to go with me?

Hugs & Kisses
Jessica Giggles

*The lingerie set I searched high and low for and finally settled on, was bought by one of the other guests, and her present was opened before mine. *sob*

Dumb Blonde

Today my dumb-blondeness outdid itself!

My boss was in a meeting with a lady that is known to take her time and outstay her welcome. And with us being so hectic at the moment, my boss and I decided that she could only have 30 minutes of his time. So…there I was sitting at my desk, working away furiously while they were meeting, when the phone rang. I answered it the usual way and heard my boss’ voice in the background. I put down the phone and went through to our boardroom and announced that he was phoning me by mistake. And as I uttered these words I clicked! Her time was up and my boss was trying to get me to come through and tell her she needed to leave but I didn’t quite get the message. I could have kicked myself!

Hugs & Kisses
Jessica Giggles

*Picture credit

Think before you speak

I received an email this morning from my brother in Australia and I decided I just had to share it – 1. because it’s a dreary, overcast day in Joburg and I thought I should share the happiness, and 2. because there is always a need to share a giggle!

Have you ever spoken and wished you could immediately take the words back? Well here are six reasons why you should think before you speak…

First Testimony:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn’t say a word…he knew better.

Second Testimony:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with mens balls.”

Third Testimony:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget..

Fourth Testimony:
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving “right now” she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, “If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s willy last night!” The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

Fifth Testimony:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at McDonalds for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my burger, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realised that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No”. I kept thinking “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me.” Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, “Danny did you have an accident? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their food laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better,
thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

And last but not least:
This had most of the state of Michigan in America laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don’t get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?”
Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

I hope you have a wonderful Monday filled with laughter and smiles!

Hugs & Kisses
Jessica Giggles

P.S. For a few more laughs check out this YouTube video of live television Freudian slips

Understanding Women 110

I have a serious guilty conscience. Seriously!

I remember this one morning… I was making the bed and as I was shaking out the duvet when a corner pushed Gary’s iPhone off the bedside table. It crashed onto the floor and the screen cracked. I was horrified because I know how much Gary loves his iPhone, and worried as to how he’d react. He said he wasn’t angry with me because it was just an accident, but I couldn’t help feeling guilty. If only I hadn’t shaken the duvet so vigorously. If only he’d moved his phone or kept it in the charging dock. If only I’d done something differently so it wouldn’t have been such an expensive accident…

I am also easily coerced into doing things when made to feel guilty. (Not peer pressure type things, or life endangering type things…) I often say yes to people because the thought of their disappointment if I say no is guilt inducing enough. This saying yes thing also isn’t helped by the fact that I do find it difficult to say no, and because I’m a born people-pleaser.

So all in all, I’m a yes-saying people-pleaser with one hell of a guilty conscience… Nice to meet you!

Hugs & Kisses
Jessica Giggles

*Picture credit

Keeping Tabs…

This cartoon should make you laugh! And if it doesn’t, then you’ve been using your blog / twitter / facebook account incorrectly! It’s also to remind you all that I’m still alive…

Hugs & Kisses
Jessica Giggles

*Cartoon credit

A Friday Funny

For those of you who don’t know, it’s Valentine’s Day on Sunday. And with love floating on the breeze, I decided this cartoon would be perfect!

We haven’t got any specific plans for Sunday though we are thinking of packing a picnic and venturing to Emmarentia Dam or the Botanical Gardens. What are you planning?

Hugs & Kisses
Jessica Giggles

*Cartoon credit

102 random facts

I decided to take PinkHairGirl’s advice and try the hardest meme of all – random facts about me! It has taken a few weeks to think up so many random facts, so you’d better enjoy the read! Here goes…

1) I can cross my second toe over my big toe (both feet) with no help from my hands
2) My eyes change colour depending on what colour top I am wearing
3) I can eat with chopsticks with both hands
4) I have identical birthmarks on the inside of both my thighs
5) After a lot of crying, my eyes change to a dark emerald colour
6) I have two second names
7) I have never been on a diet
8) I have no idea how to make this not a smiley face with sunglasses
9) I am the youngest of four kids
10) I am 9243 days old
11) I am asthmatic
12) I have two scars on my tummy – one on the left from a mole removal, one on the right from my emergency appendix op
13) I love baking though I don’t have any baking goodies at my house
14) My school and varsity friends all know me for my chocolate brownies
15) I take a size 7 or 8 shoe – when I was growing up my brother used to refer to my shoes as skis
16) I despise tomato
17) I make the best spaghetti bolognaise
18) I can’t drink coffee (the real stuff) unless it’s severely weak and sugared
19) I used to be a gymnast
20) I have double jointed fingers
21) I have a lot of chicken pox scars
22) I am a hoarder
23) I don’t like eating salads (though I will pick out the avo, feta, cucumber and lettuce if I have to eat it)
24) I have great cleavage
25) I am easily irritated by people who can’t spell or use grammar correctly
26) I used to write a lot of poetry
27) I have two doglets – Layla the Pug and Chelsea the Basset Hound
28) I have a mixed heritage – my parents are from Swedish, German, Scottish and British decents
29) I love milk – low-fat to be exact
30) My favourite flower is the St Joseph Lily
31) I ‘invented’ a cheater’s way to make lasagne
32) If I had been born a boy, my name would have been Shaun/Sean/Shawn (not sure how my parents would have spelt it)
33) I have already picked out the names for my children
34) My sister and I are really close, finish-each-others-sentences close
35) I love Cadbury Top Deck and Cadbury Dairy Milk chocolate
36) I used to volunteer at the Princess Alice Baby Sanctuary
37) I was nicknamed Gully by my family
38) I was nicknamed Giggles by my varsity friends
39) I have an ‘innie’ bellybutton
40) I am lucky enough to have an iPhone
41) I love being tickled softly
42) I am addicted to reality series on E!
43) I went to three different primary schools
44) I went to two different high schools
45) My GHD (hair straightner) is my bestest friend
46) I have a beauty spot on my big toe
47) I wear a medic-alert bracelet
48) I broke my ankle when I was in Standard 1
49) I had a swimming party for my 9th birthday and since I’d broken my ankle the week before, I spent the day watching everyone have fun without me
50) I’m a very bad liar
51) I am great at keeping secrets
52) I can touch type
53) I love reading but haven’t picked up a novel in a long time
54) I have an electric toothbrush
55) I go for a facial, pedicure, and waxing once a month
56) I was born two weeks premature
57) I weighed 2.5kg at birth (the weight of a packet of sugar)
58) I have a huge photo album that has photos from the day I was born
59) I love romance novels
60) I hate it when the bed’s not made
61) I have a shoe fund money box
62) I was born on a Monday (Monday’s child is fair of face…)
63) I got engaged on 21 November 2009
64) I taught my parents not to force-feed me when I was younger (I was forced to eat a spinach pie, so I shoved it all in my mouth, went to bed and woke up with it still in my mouth the next morning.)
65) I now eat spinach freely
66) I was taught to swim when my mom let go of me in the pool. Tried to stand, but it was too deep and so I almost drowned myself.
67) I was born at 12:01
68) I wear slightly padded bras because I don’t like the “smuggling smarties” look
69) I drive a boy car named Bullet (because I only ride boys )
70) I was bitten by my dog while climbing over our wall late at night (long story…)
71) I was born and bred in Johannesburg (except for a brief few years when I was in Witbank)
72) I have neat hand-writing
73) I met Gary at Billy The Bums in Fourways
74) I am still on a ‘pay-as-you-go’ cellphone system
75) I have a wealth of useless information stored in my brain
76) I have developed a stutter in my old age
77) When I was younger I was struck by lightning that passed through my metal bed
78) My hair is naturally a dark blonde
79) My mom is a Baronness
80) I’m a “glass half full” kinda person (well most of the time anyways)
81) I can plan the hell out of a piss-up in a brewery
82) During my school days I was teased with “can I have chips/mac-shake/big-mac with that” because of my surname
83) I was an au-pair during my varsity days
84) I drink my fruit juice half-and-half (half juice half water)
85) I like my water from the tap with no ice nor lemon wedge
86) I cannot eat lunch or dinner without something to drink in front of me
87) I studied BA Corporate Communication with a second major in Industrial Psychology
88) I am the queen of PVR (Gary hands the remote over to me to programme, and my parents phone me to come over to sort theirs out too)
89) I love strawberry milkshakes
90) I can be very indecisive
91) I love a hot bubble bath after a stressful day
92) My grandmother once told me I had gorgeous boobs (she had a brain tumor and died a few months later)
93) I have only one living grandparent – my grandfather who turns 92 this year (he is exactly one month younger than Nelson “Madiba” Mandela)
94) I have yet to finish my grandfather’s novel about his time in the POW camps
95) I have read all the Harry Potter and Twilight books
96) I can paint my own nails French manicure style though I don’t usually since my nails have their own gorgeous natural French manicure
97) I have a very low pain threshold
98) I can’t handle spicy food
99) I was so skinny at school that my one friend’s mom nicknamed me Annie (short for Anorexic) – we weren’t friends for long!
100) I have a very fast metabolism so I’m lucky enough that I can eat like a horse
101) I was a prefect in Standard 5 and Matric
102) I am now brain-dead after thinking up so many random facts

Understanding Women 109

I may be fond of making lists (and lists of lists) but shopping with a list is such a drag! And this weekend Gary and I have to go do the monthly grocery shop which requires a long list. I hope there will be time this weekend for me to use some vouchers that will allow for shopping without a written-out list, the list will be in my head… I need new sunglasses (I dropped mine and they are barely staying together), work clothes and casual clothes. And I always need more #SexyShoes. Oh wait, there I go again making lists!

What are you getting up to this weekend?

Hugs & Kisses
Jessica Giggles

*Cartoon credit